Last update: December 13, 2017
With the idealization of love and with some manuals that aim to eliminate the contradictions of life, loving has become more difficult. In the past, people were much better at dealing with couple tensions. At least they didn't seem to be an extraordinary thing, they were accepted as normal.
Nowadays this situation has changed a lot. It seems that the love between a man and a woman, to be considered valid, must be free of contradictions. Torque voltages are seen as an alarm signal. Evidence of a problem in the relationship.
"Love is physical, marriage is chemistry".
-Alexandre Dumas-
Now it seems like you can't accept the fact that a man and a woman who love each other can disagree. One thing does not exclude the other. In fact, one implies the other. Most human relationships leave a lot to be desired when compared to ideal models. Still, they can be just as strong and resilient.
With the couple we do not inaugurate an unprecedented story. In reality we give continuity to various scripts, a legacy of our past. To that of the unfinished love story with our parents that we have been writing since we were born. That of other loves that ended badly or once jubilant that are no longer there. In none of our relationships do we get brand new, blank sheets.
The origins of couple tensions
The first reason for tensions in the couple is the collapse of romantic expectations. It is not that the other person disappoints us, what ends up collapsing, at least in part, is the set of dreams and ideal intentions with which we usually start a relationship. Especially when we feel we have found "the love of our life".
It is natural for an idealization of the partner to occur. It is part of that set of psychological processes that occur during falling in love. Some people are more prone to it than others, but in all cases it occurs at least in part.
Afterwards, it is equally natural that small disappointments begin to emerge. We discover that the puzzle is actually missing some pieces. Contrary to what we had imagined at the beginning, this person sometimes bores us. She even gets to annoy us. And maybe he isn't all that different from the others.
This moment marks the end of many couples already in the training phase. In others it is just a phase. The underlying interest remains, as does compatibility. Affection is stronger than disappointment. These couple tensions, therefore, are seen as an obstacle that is not decisive. If you want to take it dramatically, it will suffer a crisis between expectations and reality.
After a while, everything falls into place
The decline in romantic expectations is just the beginning. Two people can be very alert and realistic. However, by becoming a couple, various elements (ideas, thoughts, behaviors, emotions, etc.) stop being valid. Often, at some point in any stable union, both of them will wonder if they weren't totally wrong in their choice of love.
So is love: contradictory. Relationship tensions are the daily bread, not the exception to the rule. There is no human relationship that has as many contrasts as that between a man and a woman who form a loving union. A mistake is easily forgiven to a child or a friend, but it can take on an exaggerated size within a couple. Passions, including anger, are always on the agenda.
Without realizing it, all couples negotiate unspoken rules. One will be the strong side, the other will let himself be protected. Or one will be the understanding one and the other the demanding one. One will be distressed for both of you, the other will give the note of calm. The union is not only based on emotions, but also on strong psychological mechanisms which, most of the time, advance into the field of the unconscious. And when these never signed agreements are violated, couple tensions appear.
Some people don't accept that true love is like this. They don't want to give up the fantasies of a fully harmonious relationship that totally satisfies the idea of ​​love written in capital letters, but they also don't want to give up something that balances their imperfections. A relationship in which there are no tensions, but a constant well-being that makes the promise real "and they lived happily ever after". A love that does not involve forgiveness or frustration. Just the kind of affection they can never find, simply because it doesn't exist.
