Last update: April 30, 2020
In 2002, Lundy Bancroft has written one of the most comprehensive books on the mentality of the psychological or emotional aggressor. Backed up by his own experience and research, he has proposed a classification of the different emotional predators, toxic figures in a couple relationship.
Bancroft's is a detailed analysis of the reasons that lead different emotional predators to mistreat their victim. The description of aggressive behavior it is presented in the form of an inner dialogue.
Lundy Bancroft proposes several emotional predators, i.e. psychological or emotional abusers.
10 emotional predators
What it demands and does not give
Believes that his partner has a duty to satisfy his needs or even take responsibility for it. On the contrary, she cannot ask him for anything, she must be satisfied and appreciate what she receives from him. She is always the center of attention because she considers herself a pleasant and generous person.
Most conversations revolve around his needs and how much his partner owes him, but he gets angry if you ask him for something, even if it is part of his duties.
If he's unhappy, it's the partner's fault. Apparently he tends less to control than other emotional predators, but he must have his needs met.
The perfect one
He considers himself a person worthy of admiration, in terms of skills, intelligence and achievements. He always knows what to do, even what is best for his partner, whose opinions do not deserve to be heard or taken into consideration, especially if they differ from their own.
Any disagreement is an expression of the partner's ineptitude and it is experienced as a form of mistreatment, even if it is expressed in a respectful way. If he is right, so much the better for the relationship: he is really convinced that he knows better than his partner what she herself needs.
When he talks about it, he does it with condescension and if the partner insists on not considering him superior to her, she intimidates her by ridiculing her, insulting her and discrediting her thoughts (which makes her more vulnerable to control). He could be defined as a "partner defects specialist" and has no qualms about commenting on them in the presence of friends and strangers.
The destabilizer
He believes that the source of his problems is his partner and acts with this belief. This kind of emotional violent is capable of mistreating without altering the tone of the voice. It does, for example, through sarcastic and petty comments like: "you are crazy, you make a tragedy of everything". She takes refuge in her apparent tranquility to justify any cruel phrase.
His tactics are often difficult to spot, can go unnoticed by a stranger and is easy to deny if the partner rebels against it. She can even lead her children to think that the fights are the mother's fault, because she is the one who explodes for a trifle. The di lei are calculated and precise maneuvers.
The sergeant
He needs to control his woman's every move, because he thinks he knows perfectly well how things are done. She believes that she has no right to have anything or anyone in her life outside of him.
It supervises and limits it so that it cannot develop its resources or its independence. He has the most control and is extremely jealous. Accuse his wife or girlfriend of infidelity, in an escalation of derogatory terms that extend to all women.
This is the kind of emotional violent who ends up physically assaulting the partner. The effect it gets is violent, traumatizing and makes it difficult to end the relationship.
The sensitive
He stands firmly against male chauvinism, therefore “he cannot be an abuser"; women should be grateful to him because he is not like "those others". He loves the language of feelings, he presents himself as an ally of women, therefore it's easy to think that if your woman feels mistreated, the mistake is to be found in her.
He controls her: she knows what problems she has been carrying around since childhood and believes she knows her mental and emotional reactions: it's always inside her head, whether she wants it or not. Nothing, however, is more important than what he feels; she demands attention, while the couple's feelings are less important.
It is easy to hurt him, difficult to remedydamage. When, on the other hand, it is he who hurts her partner's feelings, she presses that the incident is soon forgotten.
Il play boy
Women are in the world to sexually satisfy men, him before others. At the same time, he believes that women who seek sexual intercourse are "light" and those who reject it "frigid".
She feels attractive, sexy and irresistible; he believes that it makes no sense to resist temptation because it is often women who seduce and nothing can be done about it. He does not take the relationship seriously as he does not allow restrictions on her freedom. He is often a chronic infidel and comes to be cruel and disrespectful to the partner. If caught and cornered, his mistreatment can escalate into physical violence.
Women never fight with him, but with each other because he knows how to make them feel special. The fault is theirs: they are jealous, they do not accept the end of the relationship; he feels misunderstood.
The Rambo
He is convinced that abhorring violence, showing signs of fear or pain is associated with homosexuality or femininity, lower categories. For him, strength and violence are gifts.
Women are made to serve men and to be protected. He has a distorted view of what it means to be a man: "it is not manly to beat a woman, unless her behavior requires it." The woman is a property, to be exhibited as a trophy and also to be kept at bay.
He is aggressive with everyone, cannot bear weakness, fragility or indecision; he feels good when he can intimidate. He often has a criminal record (violence, dangerous driving, theft, drug dealing ...). Some of these emotional predators are psychopaths or sociopaths.
The victim
He feels that life has been unfair and hard on him, that everyone has been able to hurt him, especially the women he has been with: for this reason, he is not responsible for his actions. All his mistakes are a direct or indirect consequence of the mistreatment he suffered.
He starts a relationship with a woman by convincing her that she will make him happy. If the partner accuses him of mistreatment or criticizes him, the victim accuses her of joining the ranks of those who have been cruel and unfair to him. He thinks that women who report emotional or sexual abuse are against men, going so far as to state that it is the latter who are the victims.
It terrorista
Think women are evil, that they need to be terrified so that they behave correctly. They do not generally admit that a woman can make a decision on her own.
His partner has no right to challenge him or leave him because he has his life in hand. To reinforce this premise, he terrifies her: he must arouse fear in her and then "save" her. To instill fear in her, she unscrupulously uses all available means, even her children. On the surface he is a sadist who enjoys causing pain and being cruel, but he could himself be a victim of violence in the family, where he learned this behavioral, cognitive and emotional model.
The mentally ill or the addict
He claims that the cause of all his actions is based on a psychological problem or addiction, so he doesn't feel responsible. Whoever blames him for mistreatment is considered a mean person, unable to guess or understand his problems.
If you challenge him, he can have a relapse, for which he is not responsible. Her illness can be cured, but treatment does not guarantee that the violence will end. He approaches drug treatment with inconstancy and irresponsibility, an attitude that increases the risk of aggressive episodes.
The internal dialogue of the different emotional predators is the result of their system of values ​​and beliefs. It is important in a couple relationship to use positive communication and, if you realize that you are the victim of inappropriate behavior, to talk about it with family and friends to avoid danger.
