Last update: May 15, 2020
Feeling safe in every area of ​​our life is essential to experiencing true well-being, but it is especially so in relationships. If there is security, trust and protection will emerge, while if this feeling is threatened by the ghosts of the past, fears will appear. Among these, the fear of abandonment.
Insecurity caused by fear of being abandoned can undermine a relationship, especially when it is the fruit of an unspoken problematic childhood. Without realizing it, those who feed this fear obsessively may end up causing, through their behaviors, that the other transform what they think into reality or that the relationship becomes so destructive that both members are trapped in a spiral of discomfort and suffering.
Being afraid that the relationship won't work out perfectly is normal. But live in a situation of continuous mistrust e hypersensitivity to rejection causes only discomfort and instability. Let's take a closer look at what the fear of abandonment implies.
The importance of the attachment bond
During the first year of life we ​​establish an emotional bond, known as attachment, with the person who takes primary care of us. Through this relationship and the type of bond we build, each of us will acquire a range of emotional skills that we will put into play in future interpersonal relationships.
The fact that this bond has not been established or that it has not met our physical and emotional needs may have conditioned our growth by making us feel unprotected, insecure and distrustful. This is one of the causes established by attachment theory to explain the profound feeling of abandonment experienced by many people even though they are surrounded by others who love them. Let's take an example to understand it better.
A child is hungry because he hasn't eaten for several hours. He feels exhausted and the only behaviors he exhibits are crying and agitation. His mother, in this case the main figure who takes care of him, catches the signals she gives out and interprets that she is hungry. Because? Because she has learned to detect his physical and emotional needs and to calm them by interacting with him. This will restore his physiological and emotional balance.
If the child experiences this experience repeatedly, he will end up seeking physical closeness with his mother, in the certainty of obtaining calm from this and regaining balance.. Later in development, the baby will only be able to endure an upset by seeing the mother approach her or hearing her say "I am coming". Finally, when something happens to him in the adult stage, he will calm down thinking that in a few hours he will meet a relative, his partner or a friend. His brain has learned that he can be calm and that it is a permanent feeling.
Now, if the infant brain has never experienced this feeling of calm or the belief that after a malaise a state of tranquility can appear, not even his adult brain will have this security. He won't feel safe in an intimate relationship because he never learned it.
THEabsence of contact and lack of assistance result in increased adrenaline production which predisposes to more aggressive and impulsive behaviors and a great difficulty in emotional management.
Fear of abandonment in the couple
How can we see, there are wounds, such as the feeling of abandonment, which although not visible, are rooted in the deepest part of us and are able to affect a good part of our life. Situations experienced in childhood that leave their mark and are able to destroy us inside, without us realizing it.
Bowlby established that the emotional bonds formed in childhood persist in the form of models in the representative world of the adult. Statement with which Hazan and Shaver agree through their investigation. They showed that adult behavior in relationships is shaped by mental representations originating in the relationship between the child and the caregiver.
Fear of abandonment in relationships has its roots in childhood. They are these the ghosts of the past that return, along with insecurity, to remind us that we are not worthy to receive love or to be treated well. They usually appear because the brain receives an alarm signal.
A word, a place, a behavior or a memory is enough to activate the emergency situation in the person who has never come to feel completely safe. Starting from that, they begin to occur a group of emotions and behaviors: instability, apathy, sadness ...
On the other hand, the person experiencing the fear of abandonment usually develops emotional dependence towards the other, frequently expressing the need for his approval. Even if the relationship is toxic, therefore, he is unable to close it or distance himself. It is as if he were nobody without the other and to maintain the relationship he is capable of doing anything. Anything but reopening his old wounds.
In some cases, the fear of abandonment generates a kind of addiction to non-appreciation and self-contempt. The person, not at any time feeling wanted or safe, needs to confirm that this identity is still there. This is why if he finds protection and safety, he ends up despising it or not believing it. Its reality is formed by the deep trace of an untreated post-traumatic stress.
Healing the fear of abandonment
The fear of abandonment is a very deep emotional wound, rooted in childhood. Healing this wound involves accepting and forgiving the past in order to let it go. A complex task, especially if the person is not aware of how he is conditioned by the previous experience or if his defenses, which have been built as protection, are too impermeable. In more complex cases it is in fact advisable to contact a professional to seek help, especially with the first steps.
Another aspect to keep in mind and to work on is self-esteem. It is usually brittle or completely broken. In this sense, learning to appreciate yourself is fundamental to breaking the trap of emotional dependence. With good self-esteem it will be much easier to manage emotions and thoughts anchored in past experience.
- Emotions such as anger, resentment, fear or sadness are very common in people who are afraid of being abandoned. Learning to reduce their intensity, to decipher what they really mean and transform them to reinvent themselves is fundamental.
- Negative assumptions and expectations are also elements to be taken into consideration. Most of the time it is the thought that gives strength to our fears, making them grow. If we are afraid of being left, we will be more dependent on the partner's behavior and words, and we will also misinterpret them to confirm what we fear.
How can we see, healing the fear of abandonment involves rebuilding ourselves. A process that takes time and above all learning to prioritize yourself and discover your fears. Without forgetting that on many occasions what we believe is happening outside is nothing more than the projection of what breaks us inside.
