Last update: April 03, 2017
Have you ever heard of Gaslighting? Well, to find out what it is, will we give you an example? You probably came across it when they assured you that you said something, that you don't remember saying. Dig into your memory and conclude that you definitely didn't say it. You are convinced that you are right.
However, the other person claims that you said it, and they do it with such confidence that you end up agreeing with them. You will come to think that maybe you said it, even if you don't remember it. You may have just become a victim of gaslighting.
This phenomenon began to be observed during the XNUMXs. And although it occurs in work and family contexts, it is more common in couple relationships. It is defined as the repetitive act of manipulation that one person exercises over another. Its primary objective is to undermine the safety of the victim, so that he perceives reality in a distorted way.
Gaslighting wants to confuse the victim
Gaslighting is a deliberate way of lying, the purpose of which is to confuse the victim in order to gain a benefit from it. This is a very subtle form of psychological abuse; there is rarely violence even if there is usually some intimidation. Therefore, it is difficult to identify. Furthermore, the manipulator is usually someone who is "trustworthy", friendly and with whom there is a certain closeness.
A typical example of Gaslighting is when one of the members of the couple tries to deny his infidelity. Victim may claim to have overheard him talking affectionately on the phone to someone. The manipulator knows this is true, but defends himself by saying, with confidence, that it is not. The partner is confusing friendship with courtship.
The manipulator may also add that he has seen the partner very stressed in recent times. This stress would not give him the right not to trust him. At this point, he will have managed to instill the seed of doubt in the victim. This practice is more common than one might imagine. In repeated and extreme cases, the victim comes to believe that he is going insane.
One could make the mistake of thinking that it is a comical situation and that we would never fall into such a ridiculous form of manipulation. However, we overlook the fact that this situation arises in relationships where we invest our emotions. In fact, complex mechanisms of projection and introjection operate in these relationships.
Characteristics of Gaslighting
In general terms, Galighting's victim is usually a disheartened person who finds someone seemingly trustworthy. The manipulator is unsure of himself, but obsessed with exercising control over others. He shows sympathy and says he wants the well-being of the other. However, this is just a farce. The victim comes to idealize this person. And this being the case, the right conditions are created to exercise Gaslighting.
When this type of emotional manipulation continues for long periods, it has profoundly negative consequences on the victim. Most troubling, undoubtedly, is his submission to the "reality" imposed by the manipulator. Gaslighting also causes the abuser to decide to appropriate his abuser's conflicts.
Gaslighting follows a scheme that is classified into three phases. In the first, the victim opposes argumentative resistance and replies to the manipulator's claims. Meanwhile, the latter tries to plagiarize the victim by telling her what he must think and feel. In fact, in some cases we argue for hours and hours. In the end, nothing concrete emerges, but there is wear and tear in the victim.
During the second phase, the victim tries to keep an open mind in order to better understand the other's point of view. However, since there is no reciprocity, she begins to have doubts about her certainties. The third stage presents itself as a state of confusion in which the victim loses judgment and thinks the manipulator's claims are true, normal and, therefore, real.
Aspects to be taken into account
There are personality characteristics that predispose some individuals to become potential victims of Gaslighting. Lack of affection is one of them. The potential victim sees the manipulator as a savior and idealizes him. This reaction is due to the fact that the victim interprets the manipulator's advances as a true display of affection. The victim feels that manipulating, at least at first, talks to her, pays attention to her.
A person who needs to be right is more prone to suffer from this type of abuse. This situation arises when subjective aspects are discussed and in these comparisons the arguments of the future victim lose solidity as a consequence of the wear and tear practiced by the manipulator. Finally, the need for the approval of others plays a decisive role. In this case the manipulator is served the opportunity on a silver platter, he will not waste time and will take advantage of this weakness.
In order not to fall into a toxic relationship of this type, it is essential to keep in mind some tips. First, you need to be on the lookout for any manifestations that question your beliefs and undermine your self-confidence. Do not embark on sterile discussions, i.e. exchanging subjective points of view that lead nowhere.
Finally, try to strengthen your positions in life with solid arguments, they must become beliefs. Furthermore, don't let others judge your way of thinking and feeling. Keep in mind that this is fertile ground for anyone who wants to manipulate you.
