Last update: 24 September, 2018
Like all processes in which a loved one is lost, the pain of ending a relationship it can be very complicated to manage. After a breakup, many people feel invaded by a series of emotions that they cannot control, especially if the decision is one-sided or, simply, the other disappears without giving explanations.
The pain of ending a relationship is very similar to other forms of pain. This, while it may seem strange, has a great advantage: psychologists have been studying ways to overcome a loss for decades. There are therefore several tools that can help us feel better in case of separation.
The pain of the end of a relationship and its phases
The pain of ending a relationship goes through five stages. Their peculiarity is that they may occur in a different order than when mourning the death of a loved one. However, the basic structure is the same.
When we are left, it is normal to go through 5 stages:
- Denial
- Anger
- Negotiation
- Depression
- Acceptance
These stages they do not manifest themselves in the same order for all. Thus, someone might start with anger, then move on to negotiation and eventually depression, jumping from one to the other for a long time.
It must be remembered that all these emotions are perfectly normal. Furthermore, it must be borne in mind that after the breakup pain occurs almost inevitably if there were very strong feelings. Understanding what each of these stages consists of can greatly relieve emotional pain.
Let's analyze them all.
1 - The phase of denial
The first phase that one goes through for the loss of a partner is that of denial. In case of breakage, the person is unable to accept that the relationship is over. Then, she continues to behave as if at any moment the other person could come back.
This can manifest itself in several ways. For some, the breakup will appear to be a normal quarrel believing that there will be a reconciliation in no time. For others, however, it will be clear that it is a real breakup, but they will think that, with some effort, they can win back the ex.
If you feel you are in this phase, you need to start looking reality in the face. Denying it will only bring you further pain.
2 - The phase of anger
When the person accepts that the relationship is over, feelings of hostility and anger usually appear. These perform a fundamental function: allow you to relieve pain.
Some of the typical thoughts of this phase are:
- "He really didn't deserve me"
- "I'm better off without him / her"
- "He does not know what he is losing"
However, this mental dialogue hides sadness and resentment. To advance in the grieving process, one must understand that the ex-partner is a normal, ordinary person who is only doing what he thinks best. Only then will it be possible to ease the anger and move on to the next stage.
3 - The negotiation phase
In negotiation, the person in pain tries to win back the ex in any way possible. Thus, romantic gestures, pleas or even emotional blackmail may appear. This is typical of people with a certain personality, such as histrionics or depressed people.
The only way to get through this stage is to accept that the ex won't be back. Only in this way will it be possible to move on to the next phase of pain.
4 - The phase of depression
During this stage the person accepts that the ex will not return. However, the process of overcoming the grief for the end of the relationship is not over yet. In the phase of depression, the dominant thought is that you cannot live without the other person.
So, some of the most common thoughts at this stage are:
- "I'll never find anyone like him"
- "I will die alone"
- "I'll never be fine again"
- "Nobody will love me like he / she"
The messages the person sends to himself are for the most part irrational. To overcome the pain, it is necessary to accept that one can feel good even without the other, and that the end of the relationship is not so terrible.
5 - The acceptance phase
The last phase occurs when the person finally accepts what happened e he realizes he doesn't need the other to feel good. At this point, the victim can rebuild their life and also start a new relationship in a healthy way.
The time it takes to go through the five stages depends on the person. If you are getting over a breakup, you have to be patient. It is essential to progress little by little and actively work on your own healing.
