Last update: 11 November 2017
Words are a double-edged sword: they can build deep relationships, but they also have the power to destroy them and hurt people. Learning to speak from the heart, to heal our language and, therefore, our ability to communicate, is essential for the health of our relationships. This is why non-violent, or empathic, communication is so important.
In the early 60s, US psychologist Marshall Rosenberg developed this new type of communication while studying the factors that affect our ability to be compassionate. His goal was to find an answer to two questions that had worried him since he was a child:
What distances us from our supportive nature and leads us to behave in a violent and abusive way?
And why do some people manage to maintain a spirit of solidarity even in the most adverse circumstances?
The result of this reflection was the development of non-violent communication. Let's see what it is.
"What I want in life is compassion: a current that flows between me and others, based on mutual giving with the heart."
-Marshall Rosenberg-
Non-violent or empathic communication
Much of our relationships wear out because we are unable to communicate, and very often conflicts arise for this reason. The problem is that we often believe that communicating is equivalent to speaking, and we forget a fundamental part: to listen.
An alternative to solving this problem is the non-violent or empathic communication proposed by Rosenberg, which is based on giving from the heart. It will allow us to establish a deeper connection with ourselves, and then connect with others. It will allow us to bring out our natural compassion.
This type of communication is based on language-related skills, verbal and non-verbal, which allow us to continue being human even in extreme conditions. This means that this strategy will help us control impulses, even in situations where we are tempted to let them take control. In this way, we will be able to maintain sincere and authentic communication, which comes from the heart.
Non-violent or empathic communication helps us to renew the way we express ourselves and listen to the people we relate to.
As you can see, this is nothing new. The elements that make up this communication have been known for centuries, we just have to take them out of the trunk of memories, be aware of their importance and put them into practice every day.
The components of empathic communication
Communicating in a non-violent way can transform us in an extraordinary way. The fact that this term, "non-violent", is applied to a way of communicating pushes us to go beyond our personal needs to listen also to those of others, not to fall into the temptation to react automatically, without thinking. But how can we do it?
According to Rosenberg, to learn to give from the heart we have to direct the light of our consciousness so that it illuminates four areas (the four components of non-violent communication):
- Observation. This first component is to observe what happens in a situation. Does what others say or do enrich us or not? The secret is to adequately express which of the things that people around us do we like and which we don't, without making judgments or evaluations. Because, as J. Krishnamurti said, observing without evaluating represents the highest form of human intelligence.
- Sentence. The next component is to check how we feel. Are we sorry? Merry? Or maybe irritated? It is essential to identify what emotions and feelings we are experiencing at that moment.
- Needs. The third component has to do with which of our needs relate to the feelings we have identified.
- Request. The last component of nonviolent communication is identifying what we hope the other person will do, to enrich both their life and ours. To be able to make this happen, a very specific request is required.
Now well, nonviolent or empathic communication does not only refer to what we are able to honestly express from our conscience, but also to the fact of knowing how to receive this information from others in a way empathetic.
When we focus on all aspects of this process and help others do the same, then, we are activating two-way communication. A double opening of the communication channel, in which two perspectives come into play: on the one hand, I observe, feel and identify what I need to enrich my life; on the other hand, what does the other person observe, feel and what does the other person need to enrich her?
The power of compassionate language
Non-violent communication is the language in which compassion speaks, the connection between inner connection and a bridge to others, with an honest and sincere attitude. Because, in addition to being a type of communication, it is a way of dealing with life, which leads us to take responsibility for our internal processes.
"The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our life."
-Anthony Robbins-
Before letting ourselves be carried away by impulses and uttering words that we may regret, it is good to pause and listen to ourselves to understand ourselves and try to understand others. The screams and insults don't help; vice versa, silence and calm can be very useful tools to succeed in the goal of illuminating the moments when darkness reigns.
Never forget that the way we communicate largely determines the quality of our days. If non-violent communication predominates in our life, it will be much more likely that it will also predominate in that of others.
