Last update: October 02, 2017
A couple crisis leads us to ask ourselves “why was it different before and now it doesn't work anymore?”. It is certainly a question that you will have asked yourself more than once in the course of a relationship and that will have caused you doubts, mistrust and a great sense of insecurity. But, above all, that he will have transformed the relationship with the partner into an almost unbearable situation.
Crises in a relationship don't have to worry us. They are normal, and usually occur when the couple is undergoing a transition phase and feels they need a break. change. The thing that must worry us and keep us at attention, however, is how we deal with these crises.
Blaming the partner, pretending nothing has happened, believing that everything will end or self-convincing ourselves that there is someone else who is undermining our relationship are bad behaviors and that we must analyze thoroughly. It is normal that, as the years go by, our relationship is faced with new challenges or projects that we never imagined.. The question is: how to deal with all this?
Most couples are afraid of change. If the relationship is no longer "as it was" and something has changed, a crisis often breaks out.
Beliefs and behaviors that cause couple crises
Relationships are very important to most people. Still, there are numerous beliefs and behaviors that make something so beautiful a nightmare. For instance, we often have a very rigid idea of ​​what a relationship should be like and how our partner should behave, and even our conception of love is based on many stereotypes. All this negatively affects and can cause a profound relationship crisis.
"Crisis is a state of affairs in which change is imminent, one way or the other."
-Webster-
Another example is the fact that, even if we often don't realize it, most people want the falling in love phase to never end. When the intensity of this phase decreases, in fact, we begin to see our partner for who he really is, unfiltered. It is at that point that expectations and idealization vanish and all of this can lead to a crisis.
After discovering that our partner is not the person we thought he was, and that for a long time we have been blinded by falling in love, we will try to keep the relationship continuing in the best possible way. And for this, in some cases, we will try to change the other, to shape him and make him resemble that ideal and those expectations that have been broken.
However, this does not mean accepting the other, but trying to make him look like us. When we persist in behaving this way, the partner can feel offended and a crisis will most likely break out. But think about it: how would you feel if someone tried to change you? Asking your partner to change can be a good idea only after having discussed and tried to reach a compromise, without demanding anything.
Another common mistake is to believe that once we have the person we love by our side, we no longer have to strain to keep them next to us. Love must be cultivated every day, but for some strange reason we often take it for granted and relax. In this way, however, we forget to show our partner how important he is to us, how much we want and love him. And this is crucial if we are to maintain a healthy relationship based on respect and admiration.
Blaming the partner for everything that goes wrong in the relationship indicates that we are unable to shoulder our responsibilities. A couple, in fact, is a team: and acting in this way does not respect the team.
Without a doubt, though, the main aspect behind most marital crises is the lack of communication. Don't immediately tell the other that something is bothering us, but keep it inside until we explode; doubting the other person, but saying nothing and living with a constant feeling of distrust; making decisions that affect the couple without consulting the other: all this will cause the bond to break.
Each member of the couple must have their own space
Another aspect that can cause a relationship crisis is the emotional dependence. A problem resulting from many mistaken beliefs, for example that the partner is our only source of happiness and that without him we would be nothing. This leads many couples to be totally dependent on each other. Not only for practical matters, but also to achieve emotional well-being.
Instead, we should remember that in any relationship it is necessary for each member to have their own space in which to be able to be without their partner. The time to go out with your friends, to carry on an activity that they like ... Because the partner is not the center of our world and, if we make everything revolve around him, in the end we will miss the air.
This total dependence on the other person can also cause fears, insecurities and doubts about the relationship, which will most likely cause an immediate crisis.
A couple is not made up of two half apples, our partner does not complete us. The person with whom we want to share our life is a travel companion, not the only thing that gives meaning to our existence.
Sometimes it can happen, then, to make comparisons between our relationship and that of other couples. Maybe we observe them and think that they are perfect, that they do everything together, that they never separate… This too can affect our relationship, because it makes us want everything to be idyllic. But we don't really know what happens to that couple when they cross the doorstep, it may even be that they fight all day when they're not in public.
Comparing our relationship to others is unfair and makes no sense, because each person is different, everyone has had different experiences and faced different problems. Each couple is a world unto itself, and it is good to never forget it.
“Mature love attracts without promising and unites without binding. It feeds on appreciation and expands with freedom. "
-Ari Shemoth-
A crisis is an opportunity
After all, crises are nothing more than opportunities to change, to transform one's relationship, whether it is to move forward or to permanently end it. Every crisis is a warning sign that tells us that we need to reflect on our relationship and make a decision.
To solve a couple crisis, therefore, the first step is to be prepared to do it, that is to say to want to face the problem in the best possible way, both for us and for our partner. This means not only reflecting and talking together, but also doing it individually.
When we talk about it with our partner, then, it is important to put aside complaints and accusations and act in a practical and positive way. It is useless to reiterate everything that has gone wrong up to that point, rather we have to think about how that problem can be solved or improved, in order to reach a compromise. If we don't, our relationship will continue to fall into new crises. If you are unable to solve the problems in this way, then another option could be to contact a psychologist who specializes in couple relationships, who will certainly be able to help you.
A crisis can lead to the breakup of the relationship or change and strengthen it. Either way, it's an experience we have to face head on if we want to grow both personally and in our relationship.
