Last update: 23 March, 2017
Often you don't need to make big mistakes to lose or get away from what we love and want most. Sometimes even the fear of losing what we want or need leads us, inadvertently, to destroy what we aspire to..
Ironically, often, after a hard work to reach a certain goal or after winning a bitter battle against an illness or a relationship crisis, we succumb. And, even if “If you run away, I'll marry you” is nothing more than a film, this situation is much more frequent than we imagine. In the next paragraphs we will talk about the biological and psychological reasons for this phenomenon. Finally, we will try to figure out how to fight it by cultivating positive emotions where fear now dwells.
What is fear?
Fear is one of the six basic emotions we have; in addition to it, there is also happiness, sadness, anger, sorrow and surprise. These emotions are called "primary" because they can be clearly identified in all the cultures studied to date and because they allow us to adapt to the surrounding environment.
How does fear help us? All emotions play a crucial role: they push us or make us adapt in anticipation of a goal. For example, cheerfulness helps us connect with others, which improves our social adaptability and, consequently, our health. The role of fear, on the other hand, is to "avoid a greater evil" or to face courageously what scares us and what is necessary in our daily life.
The fear of failure: "what if this is too much for me?"
Fear arises as a result of a negative or threatening assessment of a situation. In essence, the danger isn't necessarily real. We often feel fear because we feel that the situation exceeds the resources we have to deal with or resolve it.
This phenomenon is called "expectation of self-efficiency", which is the perception and evaluation we make of ourselves as possessors of the ability and personal resources necessary to face different situations.
When fear arises, the following physiological reactions occur, which facilitate the three basic motor responses (fight, paralysis and flight):
- Heart rate and blood pressure increase to provide "fuel" to our brain.
- The breath accelerates to oxygenate the muscles in anticipation of escape.
- Carbohydrates and lipids are segregated in the blood to provide energy in the event of a fight.
- Most of the essential processes stop, such as those carried out by the immune or digestive systems, to devote themselves to feeding the heart and brain.
- Muscles come into tension, preparing for action.
Why does fear of losing actually make us lose?
This happens when we run into a problem, with a favorable or neutral situation that we perceive as a threat. This is the same mechanism followed by phobias, whereby we often lose what we care about most.
When we evaluate a stressful or threatening situation, this message reaches the brain amygdala which triggers the fear response. The amygdala, in turn, is associated with various processes related to memory, including that of storing memories. For this reason, our fears remain.
The assessment of the situation (which may or may not be threatening) depends on our personality and the estimate of our resources. This is one of the reasons why there are people who love dogs and there are others who are terrified of them.
"It is madness to hate all roses because a thorn has stung you, to abandon all dreams because one of them did not come true".
(The little Prince)
These same reactions occur in any situation where others demand a lot of us or where we feel that the stakes are very high; for this reason, we involve all our mechanisms of struggle and survival. And this is precisely our cross: by activating the reactions of fight, paralysis or flight, we end up shunning the things that make us happy the most, to avoid a failure which, in reality, is nothing more than a hypothesis.
Parents or girlfriends running away, arguments with a colleague before delivering a job or a pad when we have to expose our ideas to a demanding audience, even if we are competent on the subject, are not only part of the movies.
How to manage the fear of failure?
Surely you have seen at least once one of those classic romantic movies in which the protagonist lets go of the love of his life. Suddenly, he realizes what he has let slip and runs to tell him that he loves her, but ... The plane has already taken off. And then the spectators are piqued to say "Idiot, you had it in your hands, why did you let it go?". But, so why don't you see your life as if it were this movie?
Act, live. You are the protagonist of the work of your life
However, it must be recognized that fear is an essential emotion and, as such, it must be regulated and not ignored or denied. Simply, it is good to identify it and give it the right meaning. If you feel uncomfortable before an important job interview, it doesn't mean that you are not a good fit for that position or that you are a coward. Once you have accepted that this is an absolutely understandable reaction, you need to clear your mind to do the interview as best you can.
1 - Fighting the irrational ideas that generate fear
Often, when we find ourselves in a situation where the fear of failure takes hold of us, our thoughts turn into unnecessary mental tangles. In other words, fear is a "thirst in the desert", which causes a level of physiological activation sufficient to see ghosts even when they are not there.
This is how we start thinking things like “my boss is looking at me, he's going to fire me”, “they sure are laughing at me”, etc. It is actually very likely that our boss has slept badly or has a stomach ache and that the people who are laughing have just told each other a curious story.
Stop believing you are the navel of the world because, I'm sorry to tell you, but you are not.
2 - Create a break in your bankruptcy history
If you don't rush to take your life, she won't wait for you. A good idea is to change the chain of events that led you to fail in the past. If you are late for an important appointment, be prepared to counter the unexpected so you can arrive on time. This will represent a clean break from your previous ones and then you will no longer be able to conceive of failure, because in your memories there will be no similar errors to compare with.
“Knowing is not enough, one must also apply. Wanting is not enough, one must also do ".
(Goethe)
Practice everything that makes you feel safer. Have faith. Do you believe, believe in yourself, and if you can't, focus on the obstacle and take action instead of just worrying. Finally, breathe. Breathing helps you to clear your minds and activate the parasympathetic nervous system which is in charge of organ relaxation. This way you will develop antibodies against stress and fear.
"It is not true that people stop chasing dreams because they get older, they get old because they stop chasing dreams."
(Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
3 - If you live the here and now, everything will improve
The only certainty in this chaotic world is that you are the exclusive and absolute masters of your time. Therefore, before complaining about what you did not do out of fear or what they would have told you, think that only you can decide whether it is too late or not now.
“I began to feel an immense desire to live when I discovered that the meaning of my life was what I would have given it”.
(Paulo Coelho)
People who criticize you (or who you imagine they do) will not give you back the years you lost running away from your dreams. So live, live a thousand. And if the world ends, spend the end of the world dancing.
“The future has many names: for the weak it is unattainable; to the fearful it is unknown; for the brave it is opportunity ”.
(Victor Hugo)
