Written and verified by the psychologist GetPersonalGrowth.
Last update: 15 November 2021
Narcissistic families are real cobwebs. In them a part of the members, especially the children, are trapped in the threads of emotional suffering.
In these dynamics there is always someone who puts their needs above everything else, thus erecting absolute power. This power in many cases serves to boycott and manipulate with a single purpose: to be nurtured, recognized and validated at all levels.
Those who grew up in a dysfunctional environment with such characteristics often agree on a reality: “from the outside everyone thought my family was perfect, but inside we lived in hell”. It is not easy to get out of these situations, and although these constraints often have their own fingerprints and peculiarities, essentially it could be said that narcissistic families share many points in common.
The main feature is undoubtedly the existence of a specific set of unwritten rules that develop within these toxic and, above all, pathological houses. These are rules that revolve around a person and that prohibit the rest of the family from any right, any recognition. It is therefore common for children to have no emotional access to their parents, are ignored and subjected to silent abuse. and constant.
On the other hand, such dynamics are usually silenced in the branches of one's family tree. By the time the child has already become an adult and is finally able to leave this disheartening environment, it is common for the father, mother or both to qualify him as the "bad son" who abandoned them for daring to cut this bond.
It is not easy for the child who lives or has lived in a narcissistic family to demonstrate the abuse suffered, the emotional lack or the psychological burden suffered. In the eyes of others, his was a perfect family ...
Narcissistic families and "scapegoats"
Sara is 20 and studies psychology. She hasn't lived with her parents for a year and now, at a distance from her, she is trying to reconstruct her life and her internal fragments in order to overcome the past and move on. Her wound focuses on the narcissistic family she grew up with and where the play of forces began and was shared by both parents..
The father suffered from a personality disorder. He only knows now, thanks to his studies of him. However, no one ever dared to advise him to turn to a professional for help, because he had been made a functional tool. The reason? Her mother was the instrumental part, but also a victim, a person who gave in to each of her husband's needs and who was never able to set any limits.
Sara, meanwhile, was the "scapegoat," the projection screen of a narcissistic parent, the receptacle of his frustrations, his failures and his anger. Her older sister, on the other hand, was the "golden daughter", that is to say the figure that the narcissist uses to shape in his own image and that, for a few million years, he thought she had better talents than Sara. The situation affected Sara so much that he came to think that there was something "imperfect" about her.
It must also be said that if the "scapegoat" has the worst part in narcissistic families, the "golden son" does not have a better position. So high expectations are placed on him or her that even in this case the suffering is more than guaranteed.
Common dynamics in narcissistic families
Outlining a portrait, we can assume that it is not easy to get out of these environments. It is not because growing within them supposes to have absorbed many destructive mandates, patterns and rhetoric that create a significant impact on the minds of children. Below we expose some of these dynamics.
- Your family is the best, don't tell the outside world what's going on. Narcissistic families pay close attention to their image. One of the most repeated messages is "we have no problems, we are a perfect family".
- Parental dysfunction. If in a normal family the goal of parents is to nurture their children emotionally, offering them security, affection and education, in narcissistic families the children have only one obligation: to feed their parents.
- Lack of effective communication. The most common form of communication in narcissistic families is that of triangulation. In other words, information is never direct and passive-aggressive behavior is applied that is based on tension and distrust. For example, in Sarah's case any orders, wishes or comments from her father will come to her through her mother, who will act as an intermediary and will use all her efforts to make Sarah obey.
How to get out of a narcissistic family
Mark Twain wrote in his book Huckleberry Finn that we do not have to define ourselves by the wounds suffered by our family systems. In a corner of our heart there is always a piece of ourselves that remains "optimistic" and vital, and which should allow us to pass from "absolute nothingness" to happiness.
To achieve this goal, to get out of that desert and poisonous environment represented by narcissistic families, it never hurts to reflect on the following dimensions:
- A person with a history of narcissistic behavior does not usually change easily. However, there are specific therapies, even if few give up and admit they have a problem.
- Try not to feel guilty about the attitudes of your narcissistic family members. We have to equip ourselves with sufficient cognitive protections not to reach the point Sara has reached, and think that there is something "wrong with us".
- Talking about your emotions is useless with a narcissist, it is useless. We can get further damaged. Therefore we will only have to use phrases such as "I understand what you say, but I will not allow that ...", "You must understand that you do not have the right to ...", "I ask you that starting from now ...". Limits must be set assertively.
- Seeking allies in your family or social environment, people who can understand and support us.
- Distance yourself from the narcissistic family. Distancing does not always mean breaking all ties, rather being clear about what situations we can handle, what we can tolerate or how often we will see them.
In conclusion, living in an environment where emotional principles are misrepresented is neither healthy nor tolerable, even less so if there are children in this dysfunctional context. As adults they will most likely be unable to say "no" or understand that they have every right to set limits, to say aloud what they want, what they need and what they will not tolerate.
We therefore keep this information in mind.
