Techniques for practicing assertiveness improve self-confidence and communication skills with others.
Last update: July 02, 2020
You are at the supermarket waiting in line at the cashier to pay when suddenly someone sneaks in and passes in front of you. At that moment, even if you are very angry, you don't dare to say anything to avoid a fight. The reverse can also happen and the person who snuck in becomes the target of the anger you have accumulated throughout the day that you have not been able to express. Then comes the feelings of frustration and guilt. So that this does not happen in this and other situations, we explain 3 techniques for practicing assertiveness.
In the supermarket example, the choice to keep quiet and contain frustration is what is called passive behavior. It is usually a product of insecurity, as well as a low tolerance for conflict. Instead of generating controversy or being in an unpleasant situation, the person can become complicit in the violation of their rights.
The opposite attitude is aggressive behavior, a product of the inability to channel the energy that accompanies negative emotions. So the person defends his own needs and rights by violating those of others and, although he is right, he loses it because of his way of expressing himself.
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a quality of communication that comes into play in those situations in which taking a position is not easy. It is therefore part of our communication skills. Furthermore, as we have already pointed out, it is closely related to emotional intelligence.
This form of communication helps us to safeguard our rights, both those we already have and those we have yet to conquer. We can say that assertiveness is sensitive to practice, it is easier for context sensitive people and able to maintain a balance between the different connections: the one we maintain with ourselves and the ones we maintain with others.
3 techniques to practice assertiveness
There are several techniques for practicing assertiveness. In this article we will explore three particularly interesting ones.
"When you allow someone to command your emotions, you put them in command of your life."
-B. Bailey-
1. The broken record
It is a very useful technique when we want to maintain a certain position in front of another person who does not stop insisting. For example, to do her a favor even if we can't.
The other person will insist on trying to convince us. It is a form of manipulation - in many cases unconscious - to which we will eventually succumb to exhaustion. We will get to the point where his insistence will be so unbearable that we want to eliminate it at all costs; and at all costs it means that we will probably end up giving up in order to make it stop.
The technique against this tactic of manipulation is to identify a topic to repeat in the face of the insistence of others. For example, a person who asks you to participate in an initiative of hers while you are in need of rest. The broken record is this message: "I am very tired and I need to rest". The trick is to repeat the same message over and over, so as not to waste resources thinking about other possibilities.
The situation would go something like this: “Please, I need you to help me on Saturday”, and the broken record response would be: “Thank you very much for the invitation, but I am very tired and I need to rest. So I wouldn't be helpful at all, but at another time I'd like to help you ”.
2. Talk about how it feels instead of sticking between techniques for practicing assertiveness
Generally when something makes us nervous or we think it does not respect our rights we use the "you", such as "you are a disaster because you have not cleaned the house". In these cases, the other person feels attacked and will respond to the attack as a form of protection, generating a discussion.
On the other hand, if we talk about our "I", saying how that situation makes us feel, it will be easier for us to awaken the empathy of others and more difficult for the situation to lead to a clash, being able to reach an agreement. For example, "I feel nervous because the house is not clean, why don't we try to fix it?".
3. The fog bank technique
It consists in finding a point on which both people agree, even if it is minimal, and to use it to demonstrate the existence of a link that can serve as a basis for bringing the two positions closer together. For example: "I agree that the economic situation in the country is still not good, but the other workers in the sector are paid more than me and I would like my salary not to be lower than what was established".
Using these 3 techniques to practice assertiveness, you will notice a marked improvement in your communication with others. On the other hand, your inner dialogue will also benefit, as you will stop ruminating on what could have been and was not, making many reproaches, regrets and feelings of guilt disappear.
