Last update: December 01, 2017
Whether it's the death of a loved one or the breakup with your partner, or many other situations that can happen to us, in any case we must enter the mourning room. Sometimes, however, we remain imprisoned in this room, because we forget that there is no mourning that heals without acceptance and, even less, without pain.
Any mourning, by definition, requires us: will, commitment, faith, energy, etc. On the other hand, its past is known: there is a first phase in which we deny what happened, and then move on to irritate us and feel anger about it, then the world falls on us and sadness becomes the predominant emotional color, finally we accept what happened. In the course of all these phases, however, we suffer and, at times, this suffering leads us to run aground in some of them.
It can happen that we spend a long time denying the breakup that has occurred: it hurts us to look at her face. Perhaps we find it easier to get angry, blame others or the world for what happened. For this, we stay there, without allowing ourselves to cry, to be sad, to free the evil we feel inside us.
There is no grief that heals without pain
It may seem like a paradox, but that's it: there is no grief that heals without pain. It is necessary to sink into the well of our feelings. Realizing how we let ourselves fall, while we try to deny what happened, we get angry and, subsequently, we release all the sadness that has settled within us. It is precisely in this penultimate phase that despair emerges to the surface and the situation becomes more critical due to the risk of abandonment.
Despair takes away the desire to do anything. It pushes us to feel victims of circumstances and causes us to sink into a state of depression that, with our actions, we attract unconsciously. We believe we do not have the strength to go on and get out of this well in which we have immersed ourselves. A well that seems to have no way out.
All this, or at least a good part of it, is the fruit of our perspective. So, we are the ones who create much of reality that we want to perceive. Somehow, if in these moments of such deep pain we believe that we have no hope and that we cannot get out of it, it will be so. We put ourselves in a dark room, from which we can't get out, we don't have the strength, for now.
This feeling can keep us imprisoned for weeks, even months. However, the pain we feed will eventually cease and we will tire of this situation in which we find ourselves involved. One day we will get up with the desire to get out of this pit of sadness, where our own tears are there drowning.
The terror of feeling emotions
Although it is known that there is no grief that heals without pain and acceptance, the next time we enter his room, we will probably experience the same feelings and confusion as the first time. This is because it is very difficult for us feeling emotions and why, when we do, an inner voice tells us that these emotions will last forever. Therefore, we tend to flee.
When we have no other option than to deal with what we have experienced, we put into practice strategies that allow us to avoid feeling pain. We go through every single phase of mourning, one more painful than the other. All in order not to get to the final stage. The one that we avoid so much, but that will free us.
The well is not really a well: it is a tunnel! We have to go through it, we go in and we also have to get out. However, in our fear of trying, experiencing and accepting what we have experienced, our lack of hope makes us perceive it as a well, within which everything is meaningless.
For this reason, sometimes, with the death of a family member or the breakup of a couple, we believe that we will no longer be able to find a way to feel good, to be happy and to move forward. We believe that after this end there will be no more emotions, no experiences. We cling so much to these people and the events we have lived with them that we believe we no longer have any opportunities. This is not the case. To understand this, however, we must embrace the pain, experience it and, finally, accept it in order to move forward.
