Last update: 17 March, 2016
Sometimes I wait for your answer, your words ... I have not learned that they do not arrive or that perhaps you pass them on to me in another way, in absence, as gaps that are not filled with letters and sentences. Your silence contains what I don't want to hear, what I deny hearing you say.
It's cowardly to let silence be the answer, but sometimes that's what's left of us. I still haven't learned not to expect anything from you, to have no expectations, to know that that emptiness you leave and create is your answer, that's what you want to tell me.
I don't learn to decipher your silence
I can't interpret silence when you close a door and let my thoughts fly to try to make sense of those words you don't say. I need you to attribute words to all that intense silence you leave every time you leave, every time you don't speak.
Your silence creates a distance between the two of us, an abyss that is impossible to cross, an inexplicable separation that I don't deserve, that I don't understand and that, however, I must accept. But your silence is a path that is divided into thousands of possibilities and I cannot know which one reflects your thoughts.
What I know about silence
Your silences are not always the same, they change without me realizing it. There are shy silences, in which you don't have the courage to talk to me, but you look me in the eye and your eyes speak to me.
There are ironic silences when you meet my gaze and smile without saying anything. There are confused silences when I ask you a question and you have not listened to me because you are far from here without wanting to. And, above all, there are complicit silences, those who burn the soul with lips that speak no words.
But this silence, what now separates us, encloses other things, those that we dare not tell each other, and has created a deep abyss between what we have and what we want.. And even if I don't expect anything, I doubt that I have fully understood your silence.
My response to your silence
I can find a thousand answers to your silence, but I can only answer you in one way: tell me what you think, what worries you, I am next to you to help you, to understand you. If you need a hug, I'll give it to you. If you need a kiss, I'll give you a hundred. If you just want me to listen to you, I will, I just ask you to say what you want to say.
I can answer you in many ways, I can reciprocate with silence, but I don't want to increase the distance between us even more. I can continue to transform your silence into words or I can work around it, continue talking to you without receiving an answer. I respect your silence and I need you to respect my uncertainty, my need to know, to know your thoughts.
The answers that your silence gives me
If you leave without saying anything, your silence whispers to me that you don't want to. If you don't respond to my messages, your silence tells me that you don't care how I feel or what I think. If I ask you what you think and you don't answer me, your silence tells me that there is something you want to hide from me.
It may be that the answers you want to give with your silence are not these, but others, but I cannot know if you don't help me understand what you are not saying.
I almost don't remember the echo of your words, I don't hear them anymore, you move in front of me like a ghost, like someone I don't recognize and it is your silence that suggests to me what you are unable to say aloud.
And if you close the door behind you again, without saying a word, close forever, don't come back, because it will only be in that moment that I will understand that you just wanted to say goodbye.
